If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.