People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.