More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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My nickname in high school was “who?”
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’ll be mad as hell!
A man of commitment.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶