I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If looks could kill
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Dead sexy!!
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.