Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.