[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
me hitting on a model
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you know, you know
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services