if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it