Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.