[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed