Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week