[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
You Might Also Like
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’m about to risk it all
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?