I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.