Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
You Might Also Like
My teenage children choosing violence
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal