[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I get distracted pretty eas
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon