John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
You Might Also Like
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Bloody internet 😳
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote