It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m not stressed
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that