You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
You Might Also Like
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.