If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I am having an out of money experience.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]