*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
cats when you pet them too long:
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!