Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.