Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*