If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Breaking news:
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
That’s not how days work.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??