[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets