He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Worst Native American name ever.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.