Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
dutch is not a serious language
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?