Netflix: We have Less
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.