*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
im all 3
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.