Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!