I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
🤣🤣
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
When you kidnap a writer.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?