I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.