I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance