Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
translated into Canadian
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
(Jupiter –
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.