They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The first matador
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.