Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard