an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My boss called in sick of me
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Finally, a door that understands me
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.