Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
pat pat
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My wedding will be open casket.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”