TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*