just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.