Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.