Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.