God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor