Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?