I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this