Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
You Might Also Like
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)