[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.