Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.