I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
This could be us but you eatin’
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!