you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD