if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
remember
only for emergencies
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.