Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts